绿帽社

By Casey O’Malley, Academic Dean

I was asked to speak at this Parents鈥� Visiting Day鈥� I鈥檒l tell you my first reaction was 鈥渕e? But I don鈥檛 know anything about being a parent! I鈥檝e only been fumbling along at this for five months! Everyone in the audience will have been at this for fourteen or fifteen years! They鈥檙e experts! They know exactly what they鈥檙e doing all the time!鈥� which I鈥檓 sure is how I鈥檒l feel in fourteen years鈥� 

I had my first baby in August. It sort of feels like a time-warp situation because August really wasn鈥檛 that long ago, and in some ways the time has gone by in the blink of an eye, but also, my life before having my daughter in it seems incredibly distant. I know right now, my life feels very full and busy (even though I rarely leave the house after 5 pm). I also know that BEFORE my daughter was born, I was a classic 鈥渂usy person鈥濃�� and I can鈥檛 for the life of me remember what in the world I did on weekends or evenings that made me feel so busy. 

I鈥檝e read that the neurological changes that your brain undergoes as you become a parent are some of the largest in your life 鈥� akin to the changes that happen in adolescence. As I鈥檝e undergone this transition, I can鈥檛 help but be stricken with the irony that so much of the advice and guidance I鈥檝e needed is nearly identical to that that I dole out to my students. In a perfect flip, I have become the student that I so often worry about and get exasperated by. 

When students are overwhelmed and staring down a looming deadline, the advice I so often give is: Talk to your teachers. Check in with your dean. Avoid the siren song of Google and advice of an online website that you don鈥檛 know or trust. There are SO MANY ADULTS who care about you on this campus. 

And, what does my midnight Google history reveal? Evidence of my complete and total rejection of my own advice. My late night wakeups are documented with truly, truly absurd questions I have thrown out into the void of the internet, hoping that maybe some stranger can give me an answer. 鈥淗ow much spit up before its a problem.鈥� 鈥渋s it normal for an 8 week old to not poop for a week.鈥� 鈥渉ow many viruses does the average baby get in daycare in a year.鈥� 鈥渋s teething a nightmare for everyone.鈥� 

Now, saying these things out loud makes me feel patently ridiculous. And, part of me knows that my midnight googling isn鈥檛 really looking for an answer, per se. Intellectually, I know that a random blog post from a source of questionable credentials I find on the internet is not actually helpful 鈥� even if (perhaps especially if) it gives me the answer I want. But when I鈥檓 on minute forty-five of rocking in a glider at 4 am in the perfect rhythm and at the perfect incline to soothe a sick baby back to sleep, I am beyond any sort of intellectual reasoning. I just want to know that someone else has had the same question, has had the same struggle, and that me and my baby are not totally outliers. I want to know that someone else has traveled this path. 

What I just said reminds me of what I see in students. Gosh, of what I see in people in general. Isn鈥檛 that what we all want 鈥� a way to be reassured that yes, you are doing ok, yes, you are figuring it out, yes, this too shall pass, and no, you are not the first person in the world to have this struggle, and yes, someone can help. 

I鈥檝e tried to start applying the advice I give to students to my own journey of learning to become a parent. I鈥檓 trying to limit my googling 鈥� midnight or otherwise. I鈥檝e started instead sending text messages to other parents, regardless of the hour and regardless of how long it鈥檚 been since I last connected with them. It鈥檚 led to some beautiful moments of reconnection with old grad school, college, and even high school friends who I know have recently had children.  A 3am text that said 鈥減lease tell me your secrets about how to get your baby to take a bottle鈥� led me to a phone call with someone who had been a dear friend from high school I haven鈥檛 spoken to in about eight years. Yes, we may fall out of touch for another long spell, but this brief moment of connection was beautiful.  

A good friend of mine has almost the same advice for nearly any query that I send her way: 鈥淩emember that everything changes in two weeks.鈥�  It鈥檚 become something of a mantra of mine. It鈥檚 gotten me through the 4 month sleep regression, the changes in our routine when I came back to 绿帽社, any especially temperamental phase that my daughter goes through. It is a good reminder that all the toughest times will pass. 

There are two other facets to this piece of advice as well, though. One is bittersweet 鈥� the beautiful, fun phases are also fleeting. The really cute way she smiles about ten seconds after falling asleep. The little humming sounds she makes when she is sleepy, content, and full. Her current phase of mobility 鈥� an adorably inefficient scootch that while technically effective, is not fast at all. I know that at some moment, perhaps soon!, she will do all of those things for the last time and move on to a totally new way of being a human.  While the core of who my daughter is starting to become apparent 鈥� she鈥檚 got an undeniable independent streak, is very social, and already has a developed sense of humor 鈥� I know that the way this manifests is going to shift and evolve and near constant rate of change throughout the rest of her baby-hood, childhood, and into her adolescence. I already feel a sense of nostalgia for the phases that she has outgrown, and I feel a sense of preemptive sentimentality for the phases that she has not yet gone through but that I know will also be temporary. 

The other side to this piece of advice that 鈥渆verything changes in two weeks鈥� that I keep in mind is that it means I will always be learning something. Just as soon as I feel like I鈥檝e figured out a routine or a response, I know there will be a new phase and a new adjustment required. There are times when this can feel daunting and exhausting (for example 鈥� this weekend, when I was on a tail-end of yet another daycare virus, minimal sleep, and trying to generate some eloquent thoughts for this talk on the ideals of parenthood!). But in my best moments, I can look on this with excitement for the continuous learning journey that is in front of me. I have always thought of myself as a lifelong learner, but somehow, I didn鈥檛 realize until I had my daughter that parenthood seems to be the ultimate incarnation of that identity. I can think of no other role, even that of a teacher, that requires so much reflection, constant reevaluation, and commitment. 

And how much does that sound like being an upper school student? A constant expectation that you are learning and growing. The quick pace of change. Whether it鈥檚 the unit in pre calc that you are studying, some challenges with a friend, or whatever鈥檚 trending on TikTok (are y鈥檃ll still on tiktok? sorry, I鈥檓 getting old! I鈥檓 even a parent now!), 鈥� everything will be different in two weeks. 

And while I don鈥檛 know (yet), I am guessing that as I continue to grow as a parent, change will be the one constant that I can rely upon. I鈥檓 sure that everything will continue to change faster than I expect in both welcome and unwelcome ways. Everything will be different in two weeks 鈥� that鈥檚 my message to myself (and perhaps subtly to you, students) that we can both endure anything and should cherish everything.